Guilt, an unnecessary feeling?

The Role of Guilt

Guilt may seem like an unnecessary feeling at first glance, but its role remains important when well understood. Firstly, when we experience guilt, we prove that we are capable of showing empathy in a given situation. This feeling also allows us to stay balanced with:

• our values (family, marriage, respect, etc.)

• rules

• norms

• beliefs passed down by our family

When we transgress one of these four factors that shape our personality, it's at that moment that guilt may appear to remind us of it.

Although useful, this feeling can be unpleasant when we are not aware of the factor we are transgressing and begin to enter a spiral of guilt that constantly drives us to give more to the person we are helping, leading to our exhaustion. In order to step back and identify whether we are acting out of guilt, we invite you to take the time to ask yourself if the primary motivations behind your actions are linked to a sense of duty, responsibilities, and values, or if these actions are driven by your desire to carry them out.

For example, if I place great importance on the duty of marriage, which is experienced "for better or for worse" according to the instilled values, and I am asked to accommodate my spouse, I might feel a knot in my stomach and refuse to perform the action due to guilt of transgressing this important value to me. However, it is important to be aware that it is possible to make compromises on certain values. In this example, it might be possible to continue to act on this important value in its role, even if the context - where they would be placed and no longer at home - has changed. This is what we call the flexibilization of values, which in this case, might help the person in the example better accept this decision.

It should be understood that we cannot rid ourselves of guilt, but when possible, we can make the affected factor flexible and lessen its impact on ourselves. Otherwise, it is always possible to mitigate the symptoms through individual therapy by discussing the situation to better understand why this guilt affects us, often by understanding that it is an important factor we are transgressing by going one way or the other.