Evolving through the helping relationship with Marie-Laurence
“It might sound strange to say, but the illness and my role have brought us closer over the years.” Marie-Laurence, caregiver to her mother: Fall 2023
Every caregiver situation comes with its own set of challenges. However, by exploring Marie-Laurence's wise words, discover how these hurdles sometimes accompany a (re)discovery of oneself and the person being cared for. A true story of learning and growth!
Marie-Laurence, 43 years old, lives in the Saint-Henri neighborhood with her boyfriend and a beautiful ginger cat adopted from a shelter. Since 2020, she has been the caregiver for her mother, Denise, who lives with Parkinson's: “I worked in the charitable sector for a long time, so I was around caregivers, yet I realize that I didn't know what it truly meant. Like many things, you have to live it to understand it better!”
How caregiving came into her life:
“I started being my mother’s caregiver while she was still living alone in her house at the age of 79. Everything changed when she fractured her hip in May 2020. That’s when my role truly began: I felt it was my duty, especially in the challenging context of the pandemic. I first became the link with healthcare teams and her relatives. Once her recovery was complete, I took a caregiving leave to help her transition to a new life because my mother could no longer stay in her home.
For an independent woman like Denise, selling her house and car to move into a residence was a significant loss! Her stay in the residence was unfortunately short-lived. Despite my help, the on-site services, and daily visits from the CLSC: my mother needed more and more constant supervision. Thus, with recommendations from healthcare teams, Denise moved to the Paul-Gouin CHSLD in October 2021. I didn’t believe she and I would get through it, yet she has been there for two years now. Although it’s not easy every day, I believe it was the best solution for our situation. Today, I visit my mother two to three times a week, and every day I have things to do for her, whether it's following up with staff, managing her mail, or shopping, but I no longer have the weight of day-to-day management. So, I can continue to work and enjoy pleasant moments with her like gardening, going to the movies, or strolling in the neighborhood.”
The lessons she learns from caregiving:
“Caregiving teaches me a lot about myself: my values, what’s important to me, and what I need to work on. I also learn about the healthcare system and the services offered. Then, I learn about my mother. I still have the chance to communicate with her and see how she communicates and interacts with others. What patience and resilience it takes to live in a CHSLD! I also better understand who she is and what she bequeaths to me as a model of womanhood. It might sound strange to say, but the illness and my role have brought us closer over the years.”
What helps her on her journey:
“What helps me first is my network: my partner, my friends, our relatives, the caregivers, and my team at work, which allows me to have a flexible schedule. We also hired two professionals who visit Denise each week: a kinesiologist and a specialized educator to stimulate her physically and cognitively. They are essential allies for Denise and me! Moreover, through my professional journey, I have acquired knowledge about the healthcare system, available resources, and aging. These valuable learnings still serve me today.
Finally, I’d like to thank the GASO team. Our exchanges with Stéphanie, the conferences, and support groups have allowed me to share difficult moments in addition to receiving good advice and taking a step back when necessary. Another great resource is the organization L’Appui for caregivers: a helpline where staff have always answered my questions well.”
What she would like to say to someone starting a journey as a caregiver:
“Here’s what I would like to say to that person:
Have confidence in yourself.
Be compassionate towards yourself and above all, be proud of what you do for your loved one.
Talk about your situation and that of your loved one. Seek information, ask questions: work as a team.
Save some energy to seek help (that’s difficult!) and learn (even more difficult!) to express your needs.
Allow yourself time and space to experience your emotions.
If your relative lives in a CHSLD, joining the residents' committee is an important lever to assert their rights and stay informed about what is happening on site.”