Explore the phenomenon of love
If we think about the word "love," we quickly realize that we use it often, but differently, towards different people, and most importantly, we realize that we don't love in the same way all the people we say it to. Thus, we could characterize love as a complex concept rather than a simple emotion. Over time, many philosophers, researchers, poets, and authors have attempted to define the meaning of the verb "love." We will focus on researcher Sternberg's theory, as it illustrates well - with a few exceptions - most of the forms of love that we can experience throughout our lives.
According to Sternberg, love consists of 3 facets: intimacy, passion, and commitment.
In connection with this model, when we talk about intimacy, we refer to being close to someone, feeling connected to them, and trusting the other person. An example of a connection involving intimacy: friendship.
When we talk about passion, we refer to the feeling of physical and sexual attraction. This attraction is purely based on the desire we have for a person and not on the relationship we have with them. An example of a connection where there is only passion: having a crush on someone.
When we talk about the feeling of commitment, we refer to the willingness to stay with a person with the aim of moving forward, even reaching common and long-term goals. An example of a connection where there is only a sense of commitment: an arranged marriage.
Highlighting compassionate love
In all types of emotional relationships, we find these 3 dimensions, with more or less investment, depending on the type of relationship and its context. This relationship is also brought to change depending on the life challenges we face. The context of caregiving, which involves, among other things, illness, retirement, and aging, is a good example of a challenge that can lead to a change in love between two individuals. This love can then lean towards compassionate love.
What is compassionate love?
It is a form of love where connection (the facet of intimacy) and the willingness to engage or stay engaged with the other (the facet of commitment) are very strong. This can manifest both in "taking care of the other" and through emotional support and active listening. Here are some examples of how compassionate love can manifest: ensuring a daily presence with the care recipient (e.g., helping the person dress, being the main confidant or confidante of the care recipient), visiting the care recipient every day to eat with them and talk, accompanying them to their appointments and staying up to date with developments, planning your days according to the needs of the other, putting aside your own needs to meet the needs of the care recipient, even when the other no longer recognizes you, continuing to visit and talk to them, taking the initiative to organize most of the other person’s social outings (going to the movies, visiting friends, contacting family to stay updated).
How do I know if I am experiencing compassionate love?
Compassionate love will often be experienced as a deep love for the other, a willingness to take care of them, a desire for them to be well and not to suffer. Within a couple experiencing this type of love, the partners will be very committed to each other and will have a very strong connection despite challenges. However, even though forms of affection like caresses and hugs may still be present, the sexual aspect/desire (the facet of passion) will be more diminished, or even set aside, to prioritize the support of the other and their well-being.
Is it a bad thing to be in a compassionate love?
No, not necessarily! If both people are happy in compassionate love and the relationship continues to enrich each person's life, there is no problem. However, if one person in the couple still feels passion for the other and it's not reciprocal, it is likely that this could create conflicts, or even cause distress.
Is it possible to reintroduce the facet of passion into the relationship?
Yes, but under certain conditions. Depending on your current situation, we invite you to consult our article "Maintaining Love Through Caregiving Relationships" to explore different scenarios and determine which one suits you best.