Allow oneself the right to refuse

First of all, let's see why it can be relevant to refuse a request. This assertion of oneself offers the opportunity to choose your priorities, to understand your limits, and to invest your time in what is meaningful to you. However, it is necessary to acknowledge the uncomfortable feeling that may accompany the act of refusal. For instance, the fear of disappointing or hurting the other person can be an obstacle to assertiveness. Thus, it is possible to try to minimize the impact of the refusal by being mindful of the words chosen, but there will always remain a part that does not belong to us, that is, the reaction of the other person. Our role is therefore to take as much care as possible in how we convey our refusal.

Let's look at some ways to refuse a request:

Give yourself time to think about the request before responding automatically.

This moment of pause allows us to clearly evaluate what we actually desire and what is realistic for us. Example: I would like to take a moment to think about it before responding to you; I can offer you a more honest answer in a few days.

Acknowledge the other person's motivation for asking for help (be empathetic) and then assert our unavailability

This is a way to reduce the impact of the refusal. It is helpful when we fear hurting the other person. Example: I understand that it is difficult for you to do your laundry and that help would be beneficial, but I am not the one who can offer that assistance at the moment. Possible compromise: I can help you find a resource that could provide this help.

Try to be honest instead of making up excuses

You have the right not to always be available for others. You can explain the feeling or opinion that motivates your refusal. The person is more likely to understand your situation, and you won't have to spend a lot of energy coming up with other excuses. Example: I cannot lend you my car because I feel a lot of stress when I can't get around, having my car here reassures me greatly. Instead of: I can't lend you my car because it needs to go to the shop...