Asking for help: how to do it?

It's not always easy to ask for help. Indeed, asking someone for help can lead to fears, such as the fear of rejection, the fear of being judged, or the fear of bothering someone. However, as a close caregiver, you have needs and rights, and it is entirely legitimate to express them! Often, people around us don't know how to help. It is up to us to identify our needs and request the help we require. Remember: no one can guess what kind of help you need!

When requesting help, we invite you to make a "C-R-P-N" request, meaning a clear, realistic, positive, and negotiable request.

For example, if your need is to share your tasks, you can ask a close friend or family member: "Could you accompany my mother to her next medical appointment next Thursday?"

This request is clear because it is concrete and precise. In non-violent communication, we avoid beating around the bush and making ambiguous, unclear, and vague requests to best meet our need.

A realistic request considers the reality of the person being asked for help. If this person lives several hours away from the medical clinic, there is little chance they can assist you with this task. However, you might ask them to help you with administrative tasks that can be done by phone or internet; for example: renewing medications, finding an accountant for tax season, or making medical appointments.

In our example, the request is also positive because it invites action. In contrast, a negative request like, "I would like you to stop thinking just about yourself and help me" would not have the same impact. Indeed, requests made with non-violent communication should encourage change rather than stopping an action. Remember that the goal is to have a non-violent dialogue!

Finally, in the process of non-violent communication, a request must give the other person the space to choose to accept or refuse the request; it must be negotiable. The request cannot become an order because the other person also has rights, including the right to say no. Imagine a new situation: your need is to have a break, and you ask your daughter if she can come to the house to see her father on Sunday so you can go out. She may refuse your request or be available for a few hours rather than the entire day. Try to remain open to refusals and negotiation.

One last small piece of advice: above all, do not get discouraged from making requests because of a refusal! Keep in mind that making a request in a clear, realistic, positive, and negotiable way is a way to express our emotions, identify our needs and rights, increase our chances of being understood, and learn to live with a refusal. If a request is refused by one person, there is nothing to prevent that this request could be accepted by someone else, or that the first person might agree to another request in the future.