Nurturing love through helping relationships
Through various scenarios in which you can relate, the South West Caregiver Group (GASO) offers practical exercises aimed at investing in the passion dimension of your romantic relationship. Our writers, Bianca Tessier, project manager, and Mathou Roy, intern at GASO from January to April 2024 - both students in sexology - show that for those wishing to reignite passion, it is possible to adapt certain practices while respecting everyone's needs and limits.
An invitation to explore passion within your relationship, or to maintain realistic activities with the person being cared for that are not limited to care.
Scenarios in different contexts
If both people in a couple realise they have a compassionate love for each other AND both want to rekindle sexual contact (elements of passion), it is possible to do so. However, it is important to keep in mind that this will require adapting to the situation your cared-for individual is experiencing, as well as their desires and personal limitations. One way to adjust expectations might be to rekindle a form of passion without investing as much as before. For instance, sexuality could be reengaged without including penetration.
We propose here an exercise to connect with the other. Feel free to do it multiple times, adapt it, reduce it to make it more accessible; in short, make it your own:
Take a shower.
Dress up as if you were going out on a date with your partner.
Find or create a place where you won't be disturbed. Create an ambiance (dimmed lights, background music, etc.), light a candle, or set an agreeable scent that you both like.
Take turns mentioning to your partner 3 things you particularly like about them or are grateful for using phrases like "I find your salt-and-pepper hair particularly beautiful" or "I really appreciate your way of joking about life's little worries" or "I love your resilience regarding the difficulties we face."
Take turns mentioning three things you would like to happen more often or that the other could do for you. The point of mentioning these items is simply to connect with the other and provide a moment to express needs and desires.
Some examples of requests:
- I would like us to hold hands more often (Need for affection)
- I would like you to help me make important calls (Need for support)
- I would like you to take the time to thank me for the services I render to you
(Need for recognition)
- I would like you to give me more compliments (Need for affection)
- I would like you to kiss me more often, for example, every morning when we wake up. (Need for affection)
Afterward, you can discuss the requests for changes together and see if they are feasible. There is no obligation to respond to each request. It is possible to focus on just one or two. If pain or discomfort is experienced due to health problems, it is important to discuss and find acceptable solutions for both.
In some situations, it may be impossible to regain intimacy or sexuality as it was in the past: when the disease has progressed too far, if one partner can no longer give consent, or if significant pain or physical limitations are present. Expectations must then be adapted and realistic goals identified. Sometimes, the caregiver/care recipient relationship is not a conjugal one, and it is normal not to have or want passion. However, it remains important to maintain connection and intimacy for oneself, regardless of the type of relationship with a cared-for person. Furthermore, to foster relational well-being and maintain a bond with the cared-for individual, it is essential to explore and maintain activities that are not limited to care. The next exercise will aim to explore activities that you enjoy, those that the other person enjoys, and those that both of you enjoy.
The list on the next page can serve as a starting point for your reflection. Feel free to use your creativity to adapt and modify it, particularly by adding your own ideas. Once the list is completed, choose one or two activities you both enjoy doing. Plan a time to do an activity in the next two weeks, and afterward, discuss with the other person how to include the chosen activity in your daily routine. Obviously, not every activity can be done multiple times a month. For example, you might decide to see a show every two months, but go for a walk once a week!
