Being a 'Real Man' or the Imposed Barrier of Emotions

Through their respective socialization, men and women are assigned social roles that remain relatively rigid and gender-dependent to this day. It is this social system that familiarizes us from a young age with expressions like "a real man" or "cry like a woman." This means that certain behaviors are expected of men, while others are expected of women.

Among these, traditional masculinity is associated with the idea that "'real men' do not experience or express feelings" (hooks, 2004). This belief, which affects men's emotional development, consequently creates an obstacle for those who wish to seek consultation, unlike women who have learned more to ask for help and express their emotions.

This social concept also places the man in the role of a 'provider,' meaning it is expected of him to work to support the household. Indeed, "men are trained in the art of being responsible and providing for the material needs of others" (hooks, 2004). Traditional masculinity then leads to several consequences for men, such as the necessity to handle problems on their own. This social expectation of "resourcefulness" also pushes them towards seeking quick and effective solutions to the problems they encounter, without delving deeply into resolving the issue.

But what about learning their emotions, empathy, care? These gaps can partly explain why, when illness enters through the front door, a man may lose his bearings. Having often known the role of a provider, far from emotional work, men can quickly feel overwhelmed by caregiving contexts that offer very few quick and effective solutions and may require them to learn new roles: listening, emotional support, complete management of domestic tasks, organization, and much more. This can bring a lot of discomfort to learning, at a more advanced age, about these tasks that have never been part of their daily routine. Additionally, the inability to find a solution to 'fix' the illness affecting the cared-for person can evoke as much discomfort as frustration, or even a sense of helplessness.

With the legacy of the qualities he has been taught, the male caregiver will generally find it very difficult to "bother others" to talk about the illness. In such a context, it is entirely normal for him to find it difficult to express his emotions, which he has largely learned to conceal, except for a few like anger, often associated with the behavior of a "real" man.

Despite these obstacles, some brave individuals will seek consultation but will quickly be confronted by the new ways of conceiving things proposed by psychosocial intervention. Indeed, for many, it will be difficult to talk about themselves, to surrender to their emotions, and to express what they are experiencing without asking for quick and effective solutions, which is often not the objective of the intervention. Faced with this novelty, many men will choose to abandon the follow-ups and decide to "manage on their own," without assistance and without knowledge of the illness.

That said, to avoid this unfortunate outcome, which can more quickly lead the male caregiver to burnout, we deem it essential to conceive different ways of thinking about masculinity. Let us choose together to value the courageous and human choice made by many men to let their vulnerabilities show and to value their emotional lives.